ask
ROSALIND
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smart ways to help your tweeNs & teeNs
Navigate the real world. by rosalind wiseman
Q:my 9-year-old and i are having constant yelling matches about chores and getting out the door in the morning. he always starts with, “don’t tell
me what to do!” i’m at a loss. Can you help?
A:my sons also excel in the art of making obnoxious comments and
taking forever to get ready (seriously, what
is so hard about putting on shoes?). richard
s. wampler, ph.d., a child development
specialist, gave me this strategy: go to an
office supply store and buy a roll of raffle
tickets. post a chart of all the tasks your son
needs to do during a regular day, like getting
dressed, feeding the dog, organizing his
backpack, setting the table, brushing his
teeth, etc. if he does 12 of the 15 things, he
gets one ticket, which he eventually can
redeem for a reward from a predetermined
list. For example, one ticket is good for
choosing the dinner menu or 30 minutes of
screen time; three equals a trip to the ice
cream store; five buys a day in his p.j.’s. But
here’s the thing: you have to tally up every
day, and you can’t hint, nag or get angry. Just
check off what’s done. then later (once a
week works for us) give out the tickets.
Under what conditions would
you advocate reading your
child’s e-mails, texts or ims?
i say only when i have reason
to suspect drugs or violence,
but other parents disagree.
waiting until you think there’s
serious trouble is like going out
for the evening, handing over
the keys to the liquor cabinet
as you leave, saying, “Be safe,”
then being surprised when you
return to a trashed house. so
here’s the deal. when you give
your child a phone, tell him
that while you respect his
need for privacy, you reserve
the right to check what
information he’s sending and
receiving and when. explain
that you’ll be doing this
through the program your
service provider offers to
parents—so you don’t even
need to look at his actual
phone to see what’s going on.
and if your child whines or
gets upset, say that this is the
condition for allowing him to
have a phone at all. if he
already has one, tell him that
from now on, these are the
rules. the same monitoring
should also apply to the
computer, and his use of it for
anything except schoolwork
depends on his compliance.
her to build relationships in the
new community, and that’s
going to take time. meanwhile,
allow her 30 minutes a night
on the internet so she can feel
connected to her current
friends. and if it’s financially
feasible, before you move, let
her schedule a future weekend
in your old town. that’ll
reassure her she’s not losing
as much as she thinks.
our family is moving to a
warmer climate because the
cold weather isn’t good for my
health. my 16-year-old says
we’re ruining her life. How do
we help her feel better?
the unfortunate reality is that
sometimes teenagers act like
they’re 5. and there’s no
magic thing you can do or say
to make her happily accept the
change. what will help is for
in 2002 rosalind wiseman wrote Queen Bees and Wannabes,
which changed the way adults look at girls’ friendships
(and was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls).
seven years later she has revised the book to include
younger girls and to cover the impact of technology on
social dynamics. the book offers lots of help for staying
sanely involved in your daughter’s life—including how to
deal with everything from fights over tech to the unexplained
silent treatment to your own emotional baggage.
FC recommends
you can find more solutions to tough parenting dilemmas by
going to familycircle.com. rosalind wiseman is also the author of
the best-selling Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads. For more info,
go to rosalindwiseman.com. do you have a parenting question?
e-mail askrosalind@familycircle.com.
